Some things you should know; pregnant or not.

With another doctor’s appointment, our first labor delivery class, and the building of the crib behind us my husband and I are hunkering down before the arrival of our squalling bundle of joy. Thanksgiving is this week, but due to my ever-expanding size and the proximity to baby’s arrival we’re under a travel restriction. Normally we fly for the holidays, but this year we’ve been given the opportunity to take a week of and enjoy it being just us.

The big day is quickly approaching, and while I am enjoying our couple time and the fact that the house is clean, no one is crying, and I don’t have to deal with wiping anyone’s butt but my own I am ready for the next stage of this pregnancy journey. The end. I have 9 more weeks of being a waddling beach ball before I become an exhausted, sweatpants wearing blob but at this stage in my pregnancy I’m looking forward to that.

In these final weeks I’d like to share some general thoughts about pregnancy, birthing classes, and such.

Walking is difficult, at no point in my life has climbing a five steps left me so winded. I’m also not sure I would say I “walk” at this point, it’s more of a swagger. I refuse to say I waddle, I sway as I walk and have adapted it into a pregnancy swagger that says, “Don’t bother me.”

My ability to deal with bullsh*t and drama is very low, basically non-existent. Do not talk about politics with me, I don’t care so much it might offend you. And I also don’t care that it offends you. Sorry, not sorry, go away.

Some women know nothing about childbirth, and ask dumb questions at baby classes so here’s a few tips.
1. Labor will hurt like a sonofabitch. Even if you get meds you will still feel a few contractions before you get to the hospital, and they will hurt.
2. Push like you’re pooping. Not sure why this isn’t common knowledge.
3. Because you push like you’re pooping you will also probably poop, and pee. In front of the doctors, nurses, and your partner. Yup, with the exception of your partner they’ve seen it before.
4. Your baby will look like a really nasty miracle. Beautiful in every way and covered with a ton of icky stuff.
5. After the baby is born you’re going to bleed, for like 6 weeks or so. It’s not a period, and you can’t use tampons. Don’t worry it stops eventually.
6. You can get pregnant right after having a baby, so like be aware of that.
7. After baby comes out you will still look pregnant for a while. Like several weeks before your uterus goes back to normal.

Birthing babies is a painful, messy business before, during, and after the baby actually makes its arrival. But once baby is here you get to take them around and say, “Look everyone, I made a person.” and there can’t be anything better than that.

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