People say “diet” all the time, and it’s become synonymous with fads and failed attempts at weight loss. But really “diet” is just what you eat. That’s why you can have a poor diet, or a healthy diet, or a herbivorous diet. “Diet” was not meant to be a bad word, but it has become one.
“Dieting” is not hard, honestly, everyone just acts like it is because it’s so much easier to not diet. I’m not on a diet, being on a diet implies that what you are eating is temporary. That is why it’s now called a “lifestyle change”. I gained 55 pounds while I was pregnant with my son, I was a walrus. Well, I’ve lost 45 of that and he’ll be four months old tomorrow. I’ll be back to my fighting weight come Halloween. And now I will tell you how to lose weight, and keep it off.
1. Don’t be an idiot. That’s right, the first rule is to pull your head out of your ass. Look at what you’re eating. Is it brown and fried? Dripping in ranch? Coated/filled with sugar? Slathered with cheese? Oozing with grease? Hint- THIS MEANS IT’S FULL OF CALORIES YOU DON’T NEED. Don’t be a dumbass and eat at Olive Garden 3 times a week and wonder why you’re a lard. (PSA those breadsticks have 300 calories EACH)
2. Keep track of what you eat. Not even on paper, but mentally. Think, “oh I had a pop with lunch and a brownie for a snack I probably shouldn’t have ice cream after dinner” If you do keep track on paper make sure your week of meal tracking includes a party, and then search and write down all the calories you ate. Hint- A Budweiser has 145 calories, 6 beers at the Fourth? 870 calories, 40% of your allotted 2,000.
3. Be honest with yourself. “Why am I do heavy!?” You wail. “Because you eat like shit, all the time” I point out. Are you being a healthy eater? Probably not, that’s why you’re fat. Think, did you eat something that grew out of the ground? That still looks like it did when it grew out of the ground? Fried cauliflower is not a veggie.
Look at what you’re eating. Do you see more pizza, cake, pasta, and pop than green leafy stuff? Well…. you’ve discovered why you’re porky.
4. Serving sizes. Next time you go for some chips look at how big a serving is actually supposed to be, then look at how many chips you took. Americans tend to eat servings that are WAY bigger than they should. How many oreos do you eat in one sitting? Did you say more than three? Because 3 oreos is a serving size, and has 130 calories. My rule? Everything I eat would fit in my palm. I don’t put more than 3 “palms” worth on my plate.
5. You have to be a little hungry. I’m not saying to starve yourself. I’m saying that typically you gain weight because you eat too much, this stretches your stomach so it can accommodate more food. But this means it takes more food to make you feel full. Leading to a vicious cycle of over eating more and more with every meal. So, slow down and stop when you’re no longer hungry. Not when you’re full, stop when you’re simply not hungry anymore. You’ll eat less and over time your stomach will shrink back down and it actually will take less for you to feel full.
6. Have some damn willpower. “I just can’t walk by a brownie and not eat it” you say laughingly 20 minutes after you bitched about being fat. Learn to say no to the damn brownie. Buy a box of oreos, put them on the counter, DON’T eat them for a week. Walk by them everyday and consciously make the effort to not put one in your mouth. Honestly, willpower.
7. Give it time. Weightless is not instant. You didn’t gain 40 pounds in two weeks, you won’t lose it in two weeks.
And those my friends are my weightless tips. I can tell you that I managed to hover between 130 and 136 my entire life following those.
I’ve also lost 45 pounds of baby weight with them. If you actually follow them, and are honest with yourself, then you will lose weight too.